Frustration

Tomorrow will be:

-Oil pulling
-Tea (mate)
-A lot of water
-No phone

Activities:
Study then take drivers test


My patience as a mother has down shifted considerably, grating as the speed of their childhood increases. I feel hot and sweaty, dizzy and dry-eyed. I am angry, seizing and recoiling when some small, sweet hand hurts me. My face twists and my teeth grit, then smooth out and unclench and I say sweetly, "please don't pull my hair, that hurts me when you pull my hair, ok?"

I need to be in that place where I am patient above all else. I need to get my grace back. I don't want to need a glass of wine every night. I don't want to feel this way in my poor body. Get better, please.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

1st Vacation, Success!

My fiancé and I took our sons on our very first family vacation. Everyone did great. I had been feeling depressed by the patterns our relationship had adopted with the added stress and work of suddenly becoming parents of two before our trip. Back home, it feels like we're still on vacation. Family/Relationship renewal. My fiancé and I seem younger, and our children seem older. Everyone seems more independent and also stronger as a unit. It was kind of shitty to touch down in Seattle, cloudy cold and bad attitudes. But this morning walking back from accompanying my fiancé partway to work, I felt some appreciation. After being in Vegas, our little neighborhood seemed sophisticated. I appreciated the quality coffee, and how almost every time I visit a coffee shop some graceful gentleman opens the door for me to wheel the double stroller in or out. It's an out of place gesture in what I deem a socially inhospitable city, and a nice surprise every time.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Perfectly Natural Disaster

So this horrifying tsunami in Japan, following an 8.9 earthquake on Thursday has been impacting my stress level. I stayed awake last night watching videos of rushing water swallowing up towns and following websites that predict earthquake activity. One said that the Pacific Northwest would experience a large earthquake on or around March 20th. After putting my iPhone down and opening the window for some (radiation laced) air, I nursed my sons through the night. I paid attention to the closeness, the tenderness, the dependence. I looked into their eyes through the darkness, black and shiny and trained on mine, and felt our connection, relished it. I wanted to enjoy the peace while it was peaceful, keeping in mind it could become chaotic and dangerous all of a sudden.
I pictured myself grabbing hold of both or (shudder) one of my twins and swimming or running away. I imagined what it would feel like to lose one, then the other.

This morning my fiancé and I strapped the boys into the Kia and I drove him to work. After he waved goodbye, I considered coffee options: I could go home and boil water for instant coffee, add sugar and cream (the cream we paid for that would go sour if it wasn't used), then probably let it get cold after being distracted by the boys OR I could drive to West Seattle where there is a drive thru Starbucks and enjoy a caramel machiatto on the ride home, allowing the boys to sleep uninterrupted, if they stayed asleep. Driving to West Seattle involves taking the Alaskan Viaduct, which in the case of an earthquake would crumble hazardously. It also involves driving West toward the ocean, not away from it, the latter being choice in the case of a tsunami. I decided not to make choices based on fear. I got coffee at Starbucks. On the way there, on the highway, I accidentally down-shifted into 3rd when I meant to go into 5th. The Kia, being new and equipped with electronic stabilization, didn't have too bad a reaction. A little lurch, but it was rainy and there was traffic and lanes merging. We could have easily caused an accident and just as easily become the unfortunate victims. Nobody would know that I met my untimely end because I was focusing on what tragedies COULD befall us...

A Blog for my Thoughts

Yep, I've decided I need this. Someplace I can record my thoughts that isn't Facebook, where people don't know me, and can't judge me personally for my bitchiness. Or what did a fellow artist say? She said it was called being discerning, which all artists are. I appreciate it when other people are "discerning," but when I do it I feel like I am being.. Yeah, this is weird, unladylike. That's what it comes down to. I criticize myself and say I would be a better person if I listened more. Like I should be seen and not heard. Well, here I am, ready to be heard instead. Welcome to my blog.

I am 26 years old. I have twin boys who are 4 months old. I am a stay at home mom, dedicated to breast-feeding and cloth diapering. Apparently more dedicated to breast-feeding THAN cloth diapering.. I've been using disposables for about 3 weeks. I was doing impressively well (cloth diapering twins is no small feat), but I hit a laundry wall, and the disposables were so tidy and consistent. I even love the color, like raw sugar. They have no nasty chemicals, so they don't harm my babies, only the environment.

So I have a lot of thoughts during the day caring for twin infants by myself. My hope is that some stranger, maybe multiple strangers, someone will find entertainment in my thoughts and feel a sense of release in my bitchiness, my candid expression of my life through my eyes. That's what a good blog does for the reader, right? So my hope (and probably my delusion either way) is that this is a good blog. Signing off.